


(I'll Never Know) Why You Chose Me

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [13]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, but apart from that, explicit mentions of Judas' eyes being brown, written for jcs 2000 but compatible with like .... more versions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 09:03:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14589609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: Modern AU Jesus/Judas.





	(I'll Never Know) Why You Chose Me

“Out of everyone you could have chosen, why did you have to pick me?”

Jesus wished he could give him an answer. But, really, he had not chosen him at all. Judas had drawn him in since Jesus had first laid his eyes on him; there had been no choosing, it had simply happened.

From the second he had first seen the other man, leaning nonchalantly against the wall at the philosophical seminar they had both been attending, seeming bored but following the lecture with bright interest in his eyes, Jesus had known there was something special about Judas.

And now, almost a year after this first encounter, Jesus had chosen to profess his feelings for the man only to be hit with that question.

-

_Jesus did not know how he could suddenly have gained this insane confidence, but he needed to at least take the chance to speak to the man who pretended so hard not to be interested in Kant’s Philosophy of Religion, when he eagerly followed the presentation and even nodded in agreement at some points. Most of the time, a deep frown was written all over his face. The man obviously was not Kant’s best friend._

_Even though he was anxious about it, Jesus now found himself sitting down next to exactly that man with his sandwich and drink in hand._

_He just opened his mouth to introduce himself when the man looked up and introduced himself as “Judas Iscariot. Please, sit.”_

_Immensely relieved, Jesus muttered out his own name, before following the invitation._

_As it turned out, Judas had a bright mind hidden under all that cool demeanour and earned himself a spot on the five most intellectually stimulating people Jesus had ever spoken to, in the first five minutes of their conversation. He brought up some insightful points about the previous lecture, that had not crossed Jesus’ mind before and they ended up exchanging email addresses before they rushed off to their respective next points on their schedule. For the rest of the day, Jesus could not get those expressive eyes out of his mind. Or so he told himself. If he was being honest, nearly a week needed to pass for Judas to leave the forefront of his mind._

-

Some time passed before either of them actually got around to contacting the other, but it had been on Jesus’ mind to do so when he received an email from **JIscariot**. Inviting him for coffee. Jesus had to read it several times before he could find it in him to respond.

They met in a small place in Judas’ hometown, where the seminar had been held. Jesus told Judas that he was about to move there as well for a teaching position and Judas’ reaction was very pleasant indeed, reaching out, putting a hand on Jesus’ upper arm while he stated how much he looked forward to seeing Jesus more often.

Jesus enjoyed himself, the coffee was good, as was their conversation. He only got uncomfortable when Judas offered to pay both their bills; he would not have it, so in the end they just split the cost in two.

After this second meeting, Jesus was absolutely smitten. He was trapped in the enchanting combination of Judas’ intellect, wit and the exact green brown colour of those sparkling eyes. But Judas never once showed any interest in him other than friendly, so Jesus had not acted on his feelings. The one hand-on-arm incident surely did not indicate any interest in Jesus except friendly.

But all of this changed more than half a year into their acquaintance when their meetings had become included in their weekly routine and developed into something Jesus looked forward to greatly, because even if it was painful knowing the man he was falling in love with did not feel the same, Judas was still a great friend and intellectual equal.

Then Judas had begun to avoid eye contact and Jesus was afraid that Judas somehow knew how he felt and did not want anything to do with him anymore. After living with that constant fear and doubt for nearly three weeks, he decided to get it over with and come out to the man, because he would rather be open and honest about this, than have Judas trying to be polite by avoiding that topic.

As he sat down at their usual table, filled with the same sort of confidence he had felt when he first met Judas; it was hesitant and quite small, but he was here and ready, so that counted for something at least.

After some small talk and ordering their drinks, Jesus took a deep breath and braced himself for whatever was to come.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you for some time-“

He took a glance at Judas who was looking at him expectantly.

“- I just wanted you to know that – umm. Well, gender doesn’t matter to me in – umm – terms of attraction,” he finished mumbling in his cappuccino.

Judas kept quiet for a second.

“Thank you. For telling me, that is. I realise that can be difficult. So –,“ he trailed off. But Jesus had heard enough to understand that Judas did not have a problem with his orientation. Relief swept over him and the conversation came much easier after that.

From then on, an idea had formed in Jesus’ mind, that maybe Judas thought the exact same. But that was only speculation and confronting somebody about crushing on them was more difficult even, than coming out to them as it turned out. Thus here he stood in front of Judas, four months after he his last meaningful revelation to him, having just blurted out what he would most certainly regret for the rest of his life.

“Judas, I think I love you,” was in and of itself not the most elegant way to put things but the answer would surely haunt him forever.

“Out of everyone you could have chosen, why did you have to pick me?”

Who wanted to hear that when they professed their feelings?

He bit his lip to keep it from moving and revealing just how close to tears he was. Instead he watched the floor with utter concentration. At least down there was nothing to be seen that could possibly do the rest of the work and send the tears streaming down his face.

“I – I didn’t mean that,” Judas blurted out after a moment of heavy silence.  A choked laugh escaped Jesus before he looked up to meet Judas’ eyes. They looked sad. Why did they look sad? He had no reason to be sad, it was Jesus who was the real loser here. Even if Judas had not meant it like that, the unshakable truth remained that he would not want Jesus.

“You deserve so much better than me. You deserve the world and more. But what could you possibly want from me?”

Jesus was taken aback. He had expected a lot of explanations and excuses but not this. Judas, beautiful, intelligent, soulful Judas was denying the most fundamental truth, the pedestal, upon which Jesus had set his heart in the past months, the fact, that he was invaluable to Jesus, that Jesus cherished his advice, his mind, soul and body above anything. It broke Jesus’ heart to see Judas thinking so lowly of himself.

Carefully he took a step forward and reached for Judas’ cheek. Thankfully he stayed still and let Jesus move right into his personal space. Up close, his eyes were even more beautiful, Jesus noticed, before he leaned up and slowly leaned in closer until their lips met in a shy kiss.

Immediately one of Judas’ hands settled on the small of his back, the other one caressed his hair before being laid on the back of his head with a gentle pressure that effectively trapped Jesus against Judas. Judas’ lips were warm, a bit chapped, and very effective at erasing each and every coherent thought from Jesus’ mind after the shortest of times. Maybe this was just due to the adrenaline that rushed through Jesus at finally holding the man he loved or maybe he was simply overcome with too many emotions to properly think. In either way, Jesus would not change this feeling for anything.

When they broke apart, Judas looked at him in wonder, tenderness written all over his face.

“Why me?”

“I don’t know,” Jesus admitted.

As he leaned up into another kiss, Judas met him halfway and the rest of the world stopped existing.


End file.
